When it comes to dating and relationships, there are many factors that contribute towards becoming the “best version of yourself” and attracting the women you desire (or one particular woman that you would like to form a deeper long-term connection with). Most of this comes from “Inner Game”, believing you are worthy and acting in alignment with a newfound confidence and masculine value, but a lot also comes from specific examples of what to do or say in different situations.
After eight years of thoroughly exploring this school of thought on a theoretical and practical level, I believe it boils down to three main overarching factors that are necessary for any men to maximise their potential as a desirable partner, and therefore will consistently determine your results, regardless of your previous results and current level.
First and foremost, your current identity and circumstances will almost entirely depend on your history of first-hand experience. Men who appear to be “naturals”, exuding confidence and attracting women with ease, have already gone through the same process of exposure and gaining valuable reference experience. Taking massive action and persevering through countless setbacks and failure, as they organically learn more about themselves, the opposite sex, and how to achieve their goals.
This generally happens earlier in life, especially through school and work situations where the sexes are brought together for potential interaction, but if this was somehow missed or ignored (either incidentally or purposefully), there’s no reason the process can’t be consciously and consistently applied later in life. The whole pickup and dating community is based around this principle, designed for those who are actively seeking success/happiness they don’t already have in this department, as long as they are willing to change and accept what is required (ie. focusing on more of the long-term journey instead of a “band-aid” solution).
And when you inevitably become familiar with the identity of someone who you think is “naturally good with women”, even if that was previously a foreign concept that has required forcing yourself into unfamiliar situations and faking parts of your personality initially, you will automatically act in alignment with these behaviours and thoughts, and honestly believe you are this better version of yourself. Believing that you are worthy of attracting the woman you desire (no longer simply feigned self-esteem and entitlement), and knowing you developed the competency to achieve this, based on positive feedback you have gained over time.
If you’ve never believed you were naturally good at meeting or attracting women, and want to become that person soon as possible, momentum is the “secret sauce” that will set you apart from the average Joe. It is the bridge between practiced technical ability and deep-level identity change, supercharging your “game” in the short-term and creating much better opportunities and results in the long-term, as long as you understand what it means and how to apply it. Even after so many years, I still wouldn’t personally consider myself a “natural” – I might feel weird or act strangely or mess things up, getting bad feedback and soforth, but overall I have changed a lot (beliefs and behaviours) and gotten great results. Doing whatever it takes to get into a “good state”, which ideally benefits me and the people in my life, whether it’s friends or romantic interests.
Social momentum refers to consistently taking action, starting with smaller actions and goals before progressively amplifying what you’re capable of doing and achieving – a process of becoming less anxious and more confident to act “in the moment”, letting go of irrational fear and self-doubt. For some, this is all they require to truly shine. Most people use alcohol to “loosen up” and quickly become more comfortable in unfamiliar social settings, especially when confronted with the prospect of meeting women – and while there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that method, it can often develop into an over-reliance where awareness and cognitive function decreases. On the other hand, developing momentum and freedom might be difficult at first, but has more profound and sustainable benefits to one’s confidence and abilities with the opposite sex.
I understand that energy and mood fluctuations will always exist, based on a combination of circumstances in the field and life in general, at different points in time. We’re all human, so it happens to the best of us. Some things you can control, others you can’t – but that’s entirely irrelevant, because we all have the capacity to accept our situation and make the best of it. This is where momentum shines – even if it feels forced initially, the more action you take, the more you get “out of your head” and start enjoying yourself to some degree. And the more positive energy you can generate and bring to others, the more it will create a positive feedback loop that results in some unexpectedly positive outcomes. Momentum is the process, so the more you can persevere without making excuses, the more you will benefit from your faith in momentum being rewarded.
This refers to properly expressing yourself, understanding and applying attraction theory, critically evaluating the outcome of your actions and making adjustments when necessary. Developing a sense of confidence, freedom and entitlement through momentum is pointless if you aren’t actively seeking to learn about female psychology and implement increasingly effective communication, on different levels. Even after reducing social anxiety through exposure and believing you’re a man of value to the opposite sex – if your presentation and wordplay isn’t suitably good enough to convey that, you won’t receive the attention you deserve.
Of course, “how” you say something is generally more important than “what” you say (non-verbal vs verbal), but you still have to be mindful of the content. If I notice men saying something dumb (ie. not giving value or showing too much interest before its been earned), I usually recommend some lines and routines they can use, along with explaining why they are more effective than what they have previously been doing. Training wheels. Pick-up and dating is like a dance… momentum is the energy behind it, but the words and behaviours are the dance moves themselves – perhaps rusty at first, but you need to constantly learn and refine!