Inner Game: Five Tips To Master Your Mind

There’s usually a bigger focus on outer game, referring to one’s actions (the practical “mechanics” of the process), but I believe inner game is frequently overlooked – one’s beliefs and mindsets about themselves and interactions with women. The fundamentals of your identity and world-view will automatically guide your natural behaviours, on many occasions. Fortunately, correcting some of the most common “inner game” sticking points is easier than you might expect, putting your mind in a better place to correctly approach the dating scene.


  1. Be Aware of Perception Differences

How you think about yourself – in general and how you come across in certain situations – is often different to how other people view and interpret you. They don’t know your experiences, history or beliefs, neither can they read your mind. The only evidence is what’s presented to them, which might be influenced by your history, beliefs or natural personality, but if you do enough to come across in the right way (for the right person/situation), even someone with limited experience with the opposite sex can be perceived as more interesting and attractive. Regardless of whether you have developed enough genuine confidence through experience yet. In other words, you might already be “good enough” for others (especially for attraction and dating purposes), even if you don’t believe it.

  1. Understand What “Confidence” Means

Being confident is an important part of developing social skills and being more appealing to the opposite sex, but the meaning is frequently misinterpreted. It has connotations of fearless, almost narcissistic bravado, striving to dominate others and prove you’re an “alpha male” – when in reality it’s simply the ability to handle social pressure and be “yourself” in different situations that might otherwise have affected your comfort and emotional state of mind. Trying too hard often communicates a lack of confidence, so it’s important to find a balance that suits and works for you, based on how you operate and the responses you receive.

  1. Accept The “Numbers Game” Reality

I’ve already written about this, but it’s definitely worth repeating as far as inner game is concerned. No matter how much you learn and improve your ability to meet the opposite sex – there will always be some who like you no matter what, and some that don’t like you no matter what, with everyone else falling somewhere in between. You never know who you’re going to encounter in any situation. Does this mean you should stop trying to become more attractive and actively seek potential partners? Absolutely not, because the “game” is all about learning through experience, expressive value and personality, and ultimately knowing how to handle yourself and relate to women when suitable opportunities arise (yet being happy and not giving up whenever they don’t arise).

  1. Lower Your Criteria For Success

In terms of being more resilient and maintaining positive emotions in the face of adversity, this is a big one! Contrary to popular belief, even the “best” will generally fail more than they succeed – which is completely normal, yet complete honesty without embellishment is detrimental from a marketing standpoint (even if there are good intentions behind what is initially deceiving). Increased pressure to perform is increasingly stifling, therefore lowering your criteria for success is liberating – enabling the expression of your true self that isn’t outcome-dependent.

It’s a combination of smaller victories that always build into something bigger, as long as you keep taking action and trying to reach the next level without “stagnating”, of which constantly occurs on a macro level (the overall journey) and micro level (ie. within one particular social occasion). This doesn’t mean you should stop striving for the best results you deserve in the shortest time possible, but instead of setting high expectations (then experiencing a loss of self-worth and motivation when failing to achieve them), focus on enjoying yourself and handling the mechanics of the process, which will ironically increase chances of success anyway.

  1. Learn From Others

This final point doesn’t directly pertain to improving your relations with the opposite sex, instead referring to how you view and interpret members of the same sex. Particularly those you believe are doing “better” than you – happier and/or more effective in living up to their potential (in terms of dating or any areas that are important to you). Instead of potential confusion, envy or even resentment for their success, you must seek to learn from your peers as a positive influence, instead of becoming upset or discouraged, due to your comparative lack of success.

The key to this is a fundamental willingness to change, removing ego from the equation and being open-minded as possible, yet always thinking for yourself by always questioning and testing ideas (properly determining what helps or hinders your progress). Then by seeing results, gaining reference experience and developing your own thoughts and practical advice, everyone has the opportunity to give value to the community and perpetually collaborate for mutual benefit. Instead of what might otherwise occur – not properly applying yourself, not contributing, not seeing the bigger picture and falling into a “victim” mentality where others are the enemy (instead of your allies).

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