Throughout my history in the dating game (and being a mentor for others who want to meet and attract women), a sticking point concern that regularly arises is “I don’t know what to say”. Or maybe “I can start a conversation with a woman, but what do I say after the opener to keep it going and make her interested?” Mind going blank, panic setting in… most of us have felt that at some point in our lives.
This is generally men with less experience with the opposite sex, who believe that simply becoming more confident and saying some perfect lines/routines will always create attraction – they just haven’t reached that point, and don’t know how to get there. Or perhaps they were always told “just be yourself” and get frustrated when it never seems to “work” as expected. Which creates a downward spiral of negative feedback, withdrawing to the point where they don’t say anything – believing nothing will ever be good enough. A weak sense of reality and fear of rejection.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with mindfully planning and practising verbal communication, analysing feedback and fine-tuning interactions, but when one becomes overly concerned about exactly what to say (and what not to say) in every situation to achieve a desired outcome, you become stifled and will always have a misguided focus that detracts from being able to cultivate an attractive core identity – strong “inner game” and consistently communicating the best version of yourself into the world. It’s big-picture thinking and the underlying principles, not getting caught up in trivial external details, that will guide you towards the best course of action. Essentially starting from the inside, having a clear and solid foundation, knowing who you are and what you want.
This is why I frequently tell people to having some patience and focus on the process, not the outcome, if they want to actually grow and sustainably attract people into their lives. This also explains why I generally shy away from giving too many specific lines and routines, instead providing ideas and examples of relevant principles in certain situations – which crucially opens up their verbal channels, generating more capacity and self-trust to speak freely and “move things forward”, ultimately leading to unprecedented success for students in a short time.
By giving them room to exercise their critical thinking potential, laying out an adaptable framework of experiential advice that doesn’t rely on promises of a pinpoint-accurate process, this not only lowers the pressure and increases the willingness to take action, but through trial-and-error they will draw their own conclusions and make more appropriate/effective decisions (in a natural and organic way). Sometimes failing, but sometimes learning from that and getting it right. It’s a journey of self-discovery, never a “magic pill” solution mindset.
In a more practical sense, particularly when there’s no one around to offer guidance and moral support, here’s the bottom line – saying something is better than saying nothing (at least when it comes to starting conversations and trying to “hook” your audience). Men who are naturally “good” with women don’t sit around pondering the right thing to say – they understand the more you talk, the better you get at talking, and have likely already reached as point where the skills of genuine self-expression and verbal communication have been sufficiently mastered. These people have also developed a healthy self-esteem and sense of entitlement, and are able to “trust in the process” more without second guessing themselves at every turn.
In conclusion – if you’re struggling with starting and/or leading social interactions, feeling uncomfortable and perhaps intimidated by the prospect of talking to attractive women, perhaps you need to further lower your criteria for what you believe is acceptable and effective. As with many things, guys often worry about going too far (crossing the line) which leads to never going far enough (reaching the line). In this case, you’re not even giving yourself a chance to begin the process and see what happens.
As with any aspect of personal development and attracting women, you start with the basics and work up to greater proficiency – if you put too much pressure on yourself to become proficient too early, you will collapse and recede from unrealistic expectations, instead of recognising and celebrating your progress as it occurs. You might even gain positive feedback sooner than expected, and realise that your ability to talk and generate interest from others is already better than you gave yourself credit for.
One more important point I forgot to mention – it’s more about how you say something, rather than exactly what you’re saying. There’s a combination of many subtleties behind verbal communication that say more than the actual content of the sound eminating from your mouth alone. This is, once again, where the aforementioned strong inner game comes into play – when you’re feeling good inside your body, build momentum naturally and express yourself in a genuine, non-needy way, you will automatically become more interesting and attractive to the opposite sex, even if you’re not saying anything particularly special.
On the other hand, you could say something seemingly great and shouldn’t technically “fail”, but weak sub-communication means there’s a greater chance it won’t be well-received and possibly even feel contrived and inauthentic. This is because the spontaneity didn’t arise from your genuine identity and emotions, but instead generated on a logical level with a feeling of needing validation or approval. Choose your words carefully, but choose your mindset and path to self-development even more carefully.
Either way, don’t be afraid to meet people and be open-minded – keeping in mind that not everyone is going to like you, regardless of what you say and the feeling behind it. Such is the dating game, and such is life. However, who you are and what you have to say is probably already good enough for many people to enjoy and become interested in – believe in your abilities, and there’s a greater chance other people will believe in you too.
This is where “fake it ‘til you make it” factors into this topic – not being a fake person, but rather plowing through the process no matter how you feel, realising there’s plenty of scope for growth and success when you stop holding back and worrying about “what to say”. Introduce yourself, demonstrate value within your personality, show genuine interest and – most importantly – have fun and don’t take your conversations too seriously. When you shift the focus away from overly self-monitoring your speech, and give yourself permission to act and learn from different conversational experiences, your ability to meet and attract women will greatly improve.