When you’re new to the world of self-improvement and the “dating game”, it can seem confusing and difficult to get started. You want to become a better person and improve your attractive qualities, but don’t know where to find the right information or how to put things into practice.
Even for someone who’s been “doing it” for a while, you will continue to encounter conflicting information and repeatedly make crucial mistakes, losing sight of the fundamental rules and mindsets that give you the best chance of success. Case in point: Recalling my early experiences and beliefs, while putting this list together, I was reminded of several key points I’d forgotten (or started underestimating their importance) over time.
To learn faster, you must be humble/open-minded – looking back to the changes and strategies that were implemented in the past, and seeing if these are still relevant for growth at your current level. In particular, things that were learned to overcome novice mistakes and gain a better understanding of real-world attraction. Below I have outlined the seven biggest mistakes that newbies make, and how to correct them. Common mistakes I’ve noticed that can make or break your game, in the short-term and long-term.
- Not Taking Action
First and foremost, the most important part is taking action… therefore the most destructive habit of newbies is failing to start taking action. Massive and consistent action. It might sound obvious, but from someone’s who’s been dedicated to getting his “elbows in the mud” and seeing personal growth from experience, it’s quite surprising how many guys don’t go out, and wonder why they’re not improving much in this area.
Or maybe they’ll start going out a few times with initial interest and enthusiasm, but don’t see the improvements straight away, or don’t get the results they want/expect, then quickly lose interest – completely failing to focus on the long-term journey and crucial learnings that everyone must go through.
A good mindset here is realising that even “bad action” is better than nothing, teaching the value of putting yourself out there – while learning life lessons such as resilience and handling social pressure. Indeed, as a newbie you should always set your criteria for success low and celebrate the small victories, as these will always lead to better things in the future. For example: Self-esteem (believing in yourself), being more comfortable in different situations (not stifling your self-expression) and using the right skills at the right times to achieve your goals.
- Perfect Line Syndrome
As the old saying goes… it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. When it comes to creating effective and lasting attraction between men and women, the mindset of “always needing to say the right thing” should take a back-seat to improving your internal state, along with having the social freedom to express yourself in the moment, rather than trying to impress women on a surface level. You’ll be surprised with what can “work” when you do it properly.
Most guys without much experience with women tend to over-analyse every situation, which leads to more anxiety and focus on the wrong things, instead of accepting the truth and realising that good non-verbal communication is more important than a perceived good verbal communication. In summary, focus more on aspects of body language, vocal tonality and eye contact – emotionally engaging and drawing the woman into your world on a deeper level.
- Needy Behaviour
You might have already heard the “don’t buy her a drink” rule, which entails that buying things (ie. drink at bar) for women you just met and barely know comes across as needy and approval-seeking behaviour. Especially if you haven’t already developed a mutual attraction and given her a chance to earn your affections, because you ideally want praise and gifts to be sub-communicated as a reward for her meeting your standards, and treated as a normal part of the relationship. In other words, when you reach that stage, there’s no agenda when you “give” without purposely trying to get something.
However, being needy and trying to “take value” from women goes deeper than this superficial example, represented in many different types of behaviours. For example: texting/calling too frequently (without enough reciprocating contact), failing to properly screen for connection and chemistry, and being too available/eager to see her again.
Not to mention physical escalation occurring too rapidly and obviously, without realising she’s not attracted or compliant enough to welcome your advances (although reading signs and calibration does come with experience). It’s a fine balancing act, but you always want the girl wanting you a little more than it seems you want her. Not “willing to lose the girl” instinctively tells her that you’re coming from a place of scarcity instead of abundance, in regard to your values and how you perceive the world. Women are generally drawn to confident and secure men who show their clear intent, but don’t necessarily need women to make them happy.
- Thinking Attraction is Logical
Similar to “perfect line syndrome”, logically persuading women into liking you is a destructive (yet alarmingly common) mindset and will generally lead to failure. It’s a key point, but can seem vague and intangible to the inexperienced man. It’s something you better understand from regularly going out – there’s a structure to the process, but pick-up and attraction is more of an art than a science, since we’re dealing with humans instead of robots. Emotional attunement and situational adaptability.
Basically, you want to “change her mood not her mind” – give the girl an emotional experience (mostly positive but negative expression can also be engaging), and sub-communicate attractive qualities. Instead of logically convincing her that you’re a man of value, because women are very intuitive in reading others, and generally understand that men of true value and worth don’t need to prove anything or gain approval from others.
- Not Being Open-Minded
Being open-minded to change and new ideas is the biggest advantage for long-term growth – being humble and realistic about your current situation will allow you to better identify sticking points and see more future potential for improvement. This, in turn, will provide more leverage for social freedom and willingness to push your personal “comfort zone” when taking action.
Most guys don’t realise how much they need to change, or how much they will eventually change during the learning process. Much like the ongoing journey of life, advancing your identity and getting good with women is a constant journey of self-discovery and change. Just as long as you are consistently seeking the appropriate information (relating to the right ideas and mindsets), applying and testing that information, making mistakes (naturally encountering problems and setbacks), seeking feedback, and making the right adjustments when necessary.
Similarly committed, open-minded friends and mentor figures will significantly assist with this process, as everyone can learn from each other, having different strengths and weaknesses. Despite the fact you’ll probably encounter a wide range of different personalities and styles. There are underlying principles, yet different ways to communicate and interpret them. Even as a relative “newbie” to the school of pick-up and self-improvement, in many ways you can still be offering value to others. As the old saying goes… give and you shall receive!
- Not Being Process-Oriented
It’s common that many people get into the community thinking they can learn a few things and suddenly achieve anything, but the truth soon becomes apparent that you only get results from the work you put into bettering yourself and practising the right things over time.
Unfortunately there’s no short-cuts to achieving anything, and certainly no “Magic Pill” to immediately realise your full potential – but by constantly taking action, you are always developing and improving in some way, whether or not you realise it. Initially it can feel like a leap of faith, but that’s what separates those who understand the value of consistency and working hard from those who aren’t willing to invest their time and energy.
When it comes to pick-up and having a dating lifestyle though, it’s all about accepting and enjoying the natural ups and down in the process of learning, gradually building crucial reference experience. Which will naturally change your beliefs, behaviours and lead to increasingly better ability and outcomes.
- Signal Syndrome (Not Closing)
The last game-destroying newbie mistake refers to closing – rather, an absence of attempting to close when perfectly legitimate and reasonable opportunities present themselves. And if you’ve started getting a decent handle on your fundamentals (approaching and mid-game), which obviously includes no longer making the previous six deadly mistakes, many great chances will start coming your way.
Why is this such a common self-sabotaging occurrence for newbies? It’s called “Signal Syndrome”, basically waiting for specific arbitrary indications from the girl to completely justify their actions – in other words, needing overt permission rather than opening the window and jumping through while it’s open. There are certainly patterns in terms of different women sending signs to different people (consciously or subconsciously), based on how they feel – but once again, attraction is more based on a shared emotional experience, rather than logically convincing each other to be attracted.
Of course, thoughtful judgement and timing are important when it comes to building attraction and escalation, but the more experience and positive beliefs you acquire, the more attuned to every situation you become and will naturally make the right decisions anyway. Even in vague or ambiguous situations, it’s sometimes better to make the move and fail, rather than constantly hold back on clearly showing your intent and not trying to consummate a potentially romantic relationship.
Just to clarify, “Closing” refers to the outcome at the end of interactions – whether it’s getting phone numbers for time-bridging purposes (meeting again later or another day), making out with a woman, moving the woman around (bouncing) for logistical compliance testing, or going to a more private seduction location for sex to occur. Women generally won’t make the first move, so it’s the man’s role to be assertive and start testing the waters early as possible.